Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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