my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
