She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
