In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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