You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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