did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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