Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
