now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
