In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
