Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
