I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
