My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
