Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
my liver is dry heaving
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
