remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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