You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
