I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
