My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
