Someone shit on the floor
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
