i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
