I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
