I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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