So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
