I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
