he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
And then my night got REAL pukey
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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