have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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