Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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