oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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