where am i from again
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
