theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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