Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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