Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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