So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
