This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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