just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
