I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
