so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
