i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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