i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
