He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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