You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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