I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
