so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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