I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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