mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
