So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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