There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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