i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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