I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
