if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
