bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
