if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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