Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize