All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
