No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
