You're a womanizer and a bitch.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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