You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
