i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just cropdusted the office
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
