3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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